angels rise above us all (and we can't help but fall and fall)
by laughinginthebreeze
Summary: 'Because he just couldn't understand how a woman couldn't love her own child.' Lily says something that unleashes all the pain Stefan has been carrying for the past four years.


**Just a way I think this conversation could have gone.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own tvd or its characters, they belong to Julie Plec and L.J Smith, I am just using them for the purposes of my story.**

He couldn't help but think this should have gone a thousand different ways.

Instead of standing in front of his mother's cell, he was supposed to be rejoicing in the news that she was alive.

But nothing was ever that simple in Mystic Falls. She didn't love him. Maybe once she had, but not anymore, and he has _tried,_ tried to make amendments, tried to build a bond with his mother again, but it just wasn't working.

Or maybe their family just weren't at all lovable, or capable of loving anyone at all.

When he finally spoke to her again, it was almost with hope, forgiveness and to forget.

 _You always had such pretty eyes._

Memories flashed before him whenever he replayed those words in his mind. Of a mad man, a girl foolish in love, and the woman scorned a thousand times.

 _How he wished they were his eyes._

He kind of thought that he wouldn't feel as though he was cheated if they really had been his eyes, when his mother used that distraction to try and kill him.

Though maybe there were too many regrets to hold against a dead person.

"You know, earlier, you asked me what it'd feel like to have something I cherished for one hundred and fifty years ripped away from me." He mused, half to himself. "You're right. I'd be devastated." He didn't even have to fake it anymore.

"A little late to win me over." His mother- _Lily_ -he reminded himself-retorted angrily.

"It's never too late. That's the upside of eternity." Stefan smiled sadly. "You'll be my mother for the next century, and the one after that, and the one after that. And one day, maybe not soon, but one day...You'll see me as your son." He was pleading, guttural almost. Because he just couldn't understand how a woman couldn't love her child.

"Stefan..." She sounded almost wistful, a whisper of a memory away. He dared to hope, looking up again into her eyes, only to find that they were still dead and cold inside.

"You have _no idea_ what devastation feels you will. Because I'm going to find a way to get my people back. No matter what it takes." She whispered icily, and he was frozen with fear for a moment, at the bright light of crazy lurking in her eyes as she turned away, before for some reason, he had become filled with a burning _anger,_ and he called out to her.

"I think I already do." It was out before he could stop it, but he felt like something inside him had just snapped, and he needed to say _something,_ something to prove to his mother that he wasn't the push-over, adoring young child she'd abandoned all those years ago anymore.

Lily stopped, her back still to him, but he kept going, all of a sudden wanting to show her that she was _not_ the only one who had suffered.

"I'll enlighten you, shall I? First of all, I've killed, relished in it, and I have to carry that burden every day of my life to keep from losing my sanity again, but it never quite works, and to make matters worse, my brother, who's been my brother for the last two hundred years, stole my girlfriend, the love of my life, right after I saved his life. And the worst part about that was that _she let him._ I gave them every blessing of the world but it still hurt like hell, because brothers shouldn't _do_ that to each other, Damon just likes to think he can because I forced him to become a vampire, even though he now _loves_ it." Bitterness and anger that shocked him was creeping into his voice, but it was like a dam in his mind had finally broken, unleashing all the _pain_ , his suffering, that had built up over the years and he couldn't seem to stop.

"Then, when I left, to give them some privacy, some peace, I ended up finding out that I'm not even real. I'm a _copy._ And for that I drowned and drowned, trapped in a safe alone and afraid for months on end, with no sign of it stopping, no sign of the world finding out about the man who'd stolen my identity, but then it _did_ end. But I ended up losing my memories, everything that made me _me,_ and I couldn't trust anyone. Because my brother lied to me and I believed him, but I somehow ironically ended up being happy, free of the guilt and the pain. And then when I saved the girl who'd turned her back on me, I was repaid by getting them back all over again, and I had to suffer through the ordeal of every terrible thing I'd ever done, every terrible thing that I had endured, _all over again."_ His voice had gotten louder, more strong, and Lily had turned around to face him, surprise in her eyes. But he wasn't finished.

 _"_ And then came the worst part. Because I died. And then Damon died. Only he didn't come back and I missed him because I sacrificed everything to keep him alive, but he had died anyway.

"And now, the girl I am now in love with, whom I would do _anything_ for, can't stand the sight of me because she made me shut off my humanity and I made her lose control of herself and she just _can't_ forgive herself." He didn't know when, but the tears had started flowing freely down his face, and they just couldn't stop.

He'd opened a wound that had never fully healed.

"And I _wish_ that I could show you somehow, how that feels, how cursed I feel when I wake up every morning. But I can't, because there isn't a way. There is _no way_ to show you how worthless I feel." Stefan finished, exhaling heavily. Lily was staring at him now, eyes wide with shock. Good. She needed it.

"So yes, _mother,_ I do know what devastation feels like. It appears that you know nothing of the sort. And it will be _you_ learning what _true_ devastation is." He smiled grimly, before walking away, the triumph of his final words hanging over his head.

It struck him as he walked away that that was the first time in one hundred and fifty years that his mother had looked at him and seen _him,_ for the person he had become.

 _There were too many regrets to hold against a dead person._

But, too late, his heart had hardened.

 _Because it didn't count if they were still alive._

 **Thank you for reading. I just really want Lily to find out what her sons have suffered, particularly Stefan, I think that could have really helped her bond with them, since she doesn't really seem to care for her sons.**


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